Synagogue Attack Thwarted By Expensive High Holiday Seats

“I thought Jews were supposed to be cheapskates.”

Jerusalem, September 30 – Palestinian terrorists hoping to perpetrate a mass-shooting at a Jewish house of worship during the upcoming Days of Awe changed their minds today about the plot upon discovering just how much it costs to gain access to Rosh HaShanah and Yom Kippur services, one of the operation planners disclosed today.

Speaking on condition of anonymity, given the sensitivity of the information, the man told a reporter that his cell of Hamas operatives planned to arm an Arab resident of the Israeli capital and send him to a synagogue teeming with worshipers on one of the Jewish calendar’s holiest days, and had already made extensive preparations to identify a candidate, instruct him, supply him with weapons, and select a target from among Jerusalem’s thousands of synagogues.

But then the planners found out that almost all synagogues charge serious fees for the privilege of having a seat for the Jewish New Year and the Day of Atonement, in amounts that the cell was forced to acknowledge they could not afford beyond the already-imposing costs of securing, transporting, and supplying the equipment and personnel for the mission.

“We had no idea it was that expensive,” admitted the operative, shaking his head. “I thought Jews were supposed to be cheapskates.”

The group selected the High Holy Days – Rosh HaShanah Runs from this Wednesday evening to Friday evening; Yom Kippur coincides with the Jewish Sabbath next week – because they had learned that even many secular Jews make a point of attending services on one or both of those occasions, to nurture some relationship with their cultural heritage. The phenomenon results in high demand for seating that the houses of prayer find convenient for critical fundraising; membership dues or High Holiday seating revenue often represent the bulk, if not close to all, of any ordinary synagogue’s annual budget.

“Crowds are ideal targets for an operation,” explained the operative. “It was a textbook case, on paper. But even with our organization’s generous funding from Iran and Qatar, we balked when we saw the seating prices. And you can just forget about full annual membership, which would include seating. There would have to be another Democratic president sending pallets of cash to Tehran before this went forward. So, not happening.”

Unconfirmed reports from other sources in Hamas raised the possibility of repurposing the operation to achieve something more affordable, such as buying beachfront real estate in Tel Aviv.

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