Taking Cue From Iran, Palestinian Leadership Threatens to Enrich Selves To 60% Of Aid Money

A demonstration of how serious they are about enriching themselves on the backs of their constituents.

Ramallah, April 27 – President Mahmoud Abbas of the Palestinian Authority and several other high-ranking officials in his kleptocracy took a page out of the Islamic Republic’s playbook today with a declaration that its opponents have gone too far, and that Abbas will now apply additional political and diplomatic leverage by increasing the enrichment level of himself and his cronies to more than half of the funds that international agencies and organizations provide for the welfare, education, health care, infrastructure, and legal defense of Palestinians under his rule.

Last week Iranian officials announced they had ordered their nuclear facilities to begin enriching uranium – necessary for the atomic weapons that Iran seeks and that its neighbors and others seek to prevent it from obtaining – to a 60% level, meaning that of the uranium to be used in such processes, the target percentage of the fissible U-235 isotope, will now be increased. The measure features as a dramatic gesture to indicate Iran’s hard-nosed negotiating position over the future of its nuclear program, in addition to serving as a model for Abbas’s pronouncement Tuesday morning that they are upping their embezzlement of international aid funds to the same sixty percent as a demonstration of how serious they are about enriching themselves on the backs of their constituents.

“Our brothers in Tehran and Natanz,” stated Abbas, referring to the Iranian capital and it principal uranium-enrichment plant, respectively, “know an effective political and diplomatic tactic when they see one. That’s especially true when the people upon whom you seek to exert leverage are naïve westerners. In their case, it’s the Biden administration, European governments, and left-wing terrorism apologists. In our case, it’s the Biden administration, European governments, aid organizations, and left-wing terrorism apologists. You can see the importance of the overlap in our ‘audiences,’ as it were.”

Even Abbas’s rivals in upcoming parliamentary elections – which he seeks some pretext to delay or cancel while still saving political face, because he knows his Fatah faction will come in second at best, but possibly third – appreciate the principal of the move, even if they disagree that Abbas and Fatah employ it themselves. “We’re the ones who want to enrich ourselves on the backs of Palestinian suffering,” insisted Hamas spokesman Fawzi Barhoum. “We’ve certainly proved we’re no slouches in that department over the last fifteen years governing the Gaza Strip. The point is we’d probably do a better job of it than corrupt old Abu Mazen. I mean, some of us are literal billionaires.”

“Abu Mazen might have the right idea, but he’s too old and stuck in the past, and it’s someone else’s turn,” argued Marwan Barghouti, currently serving several life sentences in Israel for planning and funding multiple acts of deadly terrorism. “I’m not tainted by his corruption; the people recognize that, and it’s time for me to create my own version of it.”

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