Taking Hamas’s Lead, NYC Subway To Use Child Slave Labor For Tunnel Maintenance

“Look at what Hamas has done, with only a fraction of our budget.”

New York, July 19 – The Metropolitan Transportation Authority of New York will begin drafting children to conduct expensive infrastructure work, following the example set by the militant Islamist organization that runs the Gaza Strip and has constructed an elaborate system of tunnels using forced underage workers.

Joseph Lhota, Chairman of the MTA, told reporters at a press conference this morning that the budgetary hole in which the agency finds itself will require drastic measures to close, and may take decades, in light of the crumbling equipment, structures, and technology that have been ignored for many years. While the estimated expenditures necessary will run into the dozens of billions of dollars, a significant portion of the costs can be curtailed if, as Hamas does, the MTA conscripts children to perform many of the menial and hazardous tasks involved, Lhota predicted.

“Maintenance costs aren’t sexy, especially preventive maintenance, so politicians have been reluctant to allocate the proper funds for more than half a century,” he explained. “It doesn’t look impressive to voters. And now the system’s needs have become dire. Shutdowns, closures, malfunctions, delays, and myriad other dysfunctions have become commonplace in what was once the most sophisticated and enviable subway system in the world.”

“But look at what Hamas has done, with only a fraction of that budget,” he continued. “Miles of tunnels, and minimal expenditure on labor, thanks to a much more flexible attitude toward employable ages than we have shown, historically. We could drastically cut wages with a forced child labor program along the lines of Hamas’s system in the Gaza Strip.”

Lhota dismissed concerns that using child slave labor would run afoul of regulations. “The unions will have a fit, but we have no choice,” he argued. “We simply can’t afford to pay higher-than-market wages – in fact any wages at all – to all the personnel we’ve become accustomed to keeping. The qualified technical personnel will of course retain their positions, given the necessity of their expertise, but there is no reason, economically, to keep paying such high wages to people for functions that could be done by, say, eight-year-olds.”

Lhota also pointed to past failures that could have been averted with judicious application of Hamas’s attitude toward child slavery. “The Second Avenue subway line could have been completed decades ago if we were as no-nonsense about this stuff as Hamas has been,” he claimed.

“Also, any additional tunnels we dig can be used to stockpile the rockets with which New Jersey deserves to be targeted,” he concluded.

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