Taliban Nets Silver Medal In Brutality Games

Peshawar, Pakistan, December 17 – Pakistani Taliban competitors surprised judges and spectators alike this week by pulling off a surprise finish in the current round of the Brutality Games by attacking a school, narrowly supplanting Hamas in second place and securing the silver to the Islamic State’s gold.

With its assault on a school yesterday in Peshawar that killed more than 100 people, most of them children, the Taliban garnered enough points to surpass recent Hamas achievements in Jerusalem, including gun, knife, and automobile assaults on civilians. Analysts had expected the Pakistani Taliban to maintain the slump that had characterized its scoring of late, but today’s action put them over the top for second place. The Islamic State has maintained a consistent lead over its competitors since last year, and its brutality supremacy has not faced a serious challenge this season. As a result, would-be brutality champions have set their sights on the silver medal, which is to be awarded in Oslo next month.

Taliban Head Coach Mustafa Massikr praised his players. “No one gave us enough credit out there except us. Our guys always believed we could get the job done and show our brutality skills. They put their bodies on the line every day of the week and twice on Fridays to get us this far. The medal is a fitting testament to our stick-to-it-iveness and our only-say-die attitude,” he gushed.

Recent injuries, divisions, and other setbacks had left the Pakistani Taliban behind in the standings they had dominated for some time until other upstarts came along. The Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant, for example, enjoys a broader and wealthier fan base, and their sales of concessions such as crude oil and looted artifacts gives them an edge in recruitment of foreign free agents. Other teams, by contrast, must settle for local talent that might not have the same level of motivation and skills to compete.

Analysts differ on whether the Pakistani Taliban can sustain this level of action. “It’s late in the season, and there’s no reason to think this plane of achievement in brutality can’t be kept up – they’ve seized the initiative against their opponents, who are becoming demoralized the the face of such a ferocious competitor,” says Mikhail Kalashnikov. “I don’t see Hamas, Al-Qaeda, or even Boko Haram overtaking them this late in the game.”

Not everyone shares that assessment. “We can’t discount the Pakistani security forces and their American backers stepping up their game in response to this challenge,” says commentator S.A.M. Rosen. “We can anticipate multiple attempts at power plays as a result of the latest Taliban scores.”

Additionally, says analyst Pat Osamarall, forces such as the Assad government should not be dismissed out of hand. “Syria might not be the powerhouse it once was in that division, but they still have a formidable offense,” he notes.

“Though with the movement of prospects all over the place since deregulation several years ago, Syria’s farm system is seriously lacking.”