Teach The Kids Jews Are Pigs? But This Is A Math Class

By Al Jebra, arithmetic teacher, Yasser Arafat Elementary School, Hebron

I’ve been an arithmetic teacher here in Hebron for seven years. I’ve eminently qualified to stand before my students in that classroom down the hall and impart to them the basics of the operations, symbols, and principles of the field. So I’m having trouble trying to wrap my head around this directive of yours, Mr. Principal, that calls for me to devote a certain portion of every lesson discussing the various ways in which Jews are known to be swine and not human.

Think not for a moment that I disagree – we all know this to be the case in our bones! – but I’m unclear on the methodology for including this important piece of the children’s elementary school education and still having time to cover long division, decimals, exponents, and the things that are more complicated than simple word problems that ask the students to subtract the number of family members who have not yet been arrested for trying to injure or kill Jews. There are only so many minutes in an academic hour.

Of course I want to help raise the next generation of fierce, devoted Resistance fighters! What living, breathing Palestinian educator could desire anything else? It’s just that I need guidance as to how to square the requirements of ascertaining that my charges have mastered the intricacies of multiplying and dividing fractions with this additional directive that calls for fifteen minutes of Jews-are-the-spawn-of-filthy-pigs in each session, including a video component. Allah knows it is difficult enough to retain the little ones’ attention for a full class period – now I have to squeeze in this additional material – do you realize what kind of havoc this wreaks with my lesson plan? I don’t know what to do, and I could really use your help here, Mr. Principal.

Please don’t just throw up your hands and tell me to manage somehow. As someone acquainted with math – it is, after all, my job – I can assure you there is no way to fit forty-five minutes of teaching into thirty-five minutes and still have time to check homework, give practice, make sure the children have all understood the new material, and assign new homework.

Yes, the Ministry of Education gave this order. Did they also lengthen the school day to accommodate the inculcation of the crucial life lesson that the Jews are actual, physical swine, including the budget for that extra time in every lesson? Or am I supposed to sacrifice the teaching of arithmetic to reinforce the same point that my students get in literally every other component of their education here?

You know what this smells like? A conspiracy to deprive our students of a proper education – something those pig-Jews would come up with.