That “If NJ Fired Missiles At NY” Argument Gives Me An Idea

We had to shrink this image more than usual.

By Chris Christie, Governor of New Jersey

We in the Garden State are strong supporters of Israel. That’s especially the case when Republicans, such as me, are in charge. So we don’t need much convincing of Israel’s right to defend herself, and we’re kind of tickled by the argument that if New Jersey launched rockets at New York, New York would of course not take it lying down. But why leave that to the realm of the rhetorical? It’s actually a compelling idea.

Think about it: like Israel, New York has a lot of Jews. Like Israel, New York enjoys prosperity, history, and success that make everyone else resentful. And like Israel, New York is bordered by an entity that doesn’t really have an economy of its own, stinks to high heaven, and is always looking to claim territory from New York as its own. That’s us! And we’re going to give the whole missile thing a try.

Like Hamas, we certainly have a lot less to lose from such a provocation than our adversary. And we have a lot less at our disposal than they do, economically, socially, culturally, and in terms of resources. And just as in the case of Israel and Hamas, guess who will step in and demand that our demands be given equal footing with those of the state we attacked, regardless of who’s right and who’s wrong? That’s right: President Obama.

I’m telling you, this is a win-win situation. If we make some extreme demands and New York capitulates in the interest of shutting us up, all we have to do is keep doing it – because it works. And if they resist by whatever means, our strategy should mirror Hamas: broadcast only the images of poor, innocent New Jerseyans suffering at the hands of that big neighborhood bully, New York. Let me tell you, I know all about bullying. Everyone outside New York already hates New York, so success on that front is guaranteed.

I realize some people don’t buy that argument, because they’re in favor of the Mexico-US analogy, and I respect that. There’s enough of a similarity between our illegal immigration troubles and Israel’s challenges with terrorism tunnels from Gaza. But remember, the lesson we can learn from this conflict is that the correctness of a position has no bearing on how the world treats it. So who cares that there’s a closer analog? People want to see New York get taken down. Mexico will always be down.

Anyone know where we can get our hands on some Fajr-5s?