That War Could’ve Been An Email

by King Hussein of Jordan

Amman, December 20 – OK, I’ll say it: our efforts were not entirely an exercise in futility, but they were a massive waste of resources, time, and manpower to accomplish next to nothing. In other words, that six-day war could have been an e-mail.

Oh, stop it. I know e-mail doesn’t exist yet. Allow me the rhetorical license. You know exactly what I mean.

Gentlemen, it was completely unnecessary for us to sacrifice hundreds of troops, hundreds of square kilometers of territory, our glorious military reputation, and our position in the Arab world, just to kill a few dozen Israeli soldiers and conduct a pointless bombing raid on Netanya, as if that was going to precipitate an assault on Israel’s narrow coastal neck and split the country in two. Really, gentlemen. A simple electronic order to withdraw to the east bank of the Jordan would have been a better way to accomplish all of that, without all those losses in men and materiel. Admit it, you know it.

We all have our organizational and personal biases. I understand that an army, the vaunted Arab Legion, no less, has its formidable name to maintain, and that simply withdrawing from the West Bank without firing a salvo or two at some Jews would violate your Arab pride, but be honest: is the outcome we incurred by ignoring Israel’s warnings in favor of Nasser’s boasts better or worse than had we simply emailed our commanders instructions to retreat on the first of June? How is your pride now, gentlemen?

“At least we fought.” Do you hear yourself? At least you performed so poorly that the lowly, cursed Jews drove you from positions you held for twenty years! What was the point of your fighting, to lose me hundreds of soldiers, just as many precious vehicles, and our reputation as competent heirs to the British military legacy in the region? You could have done the same, or better, in less time, expending many fewer resources, with an e-mail. Take your pride and drink it with that camel urine.

Remember in 1948 and 49, when we were supposed to steamroll over those pathetic, blockaded dhimmi? Did that also go as planned, or did our vaunted warriors flee at the first sign of a setback? “Push the Jews into the Sea” became “Push a little bit and pillage, then maybe push some more, but wait, we’re not done pillaging, can we- oops, war’s over. We’ll have to make do now with turning Jewish cemeteries into latrines, blowing up synagogues, and taking potshots at Jews over the walls of Jerusalem’s Old City. Glory to Allah! You could have e-mailed Allah the same thing and saved us all the trouble.

At this point He’s probably blocked our address.

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