That’s Not the Prophecy I Spake Unto Thee, Thou Idiot

Thus saith the LORD: Thou art a moron.

I mean, really. How difficult can it be for you to describe what you saw in that vision? It’s not like I was cryptic or anything. “Go forth unto the people and tell them they have strayed, and now face oppression.” It’s as basic a prophecy as I’ve ever sent anyone – and you render it as “Buy low, sell high”?

This wan’t a complicated metaphor. I did you a big favor – or so I intended – by not making anyone have to decipher obtuse analogies or pick up on Biblical literary references. “And the hamster wheel of vengeance shall sap the strength of the treacherous rodents” was an unwelcome embellishment. Not to mention just plain dumb.

You used to be such a reliable prophet. I’d give My word, you’d transmit it to the people, write it down for posterity, and follow whatever instructions I had. It was a tidy arrangement, and it worked well for both of us. You experienced the spiritual ecstasy of divine communication, as well as whatever support from the community accrues to a man of God, and I received a loyal servant, a dependable conduit for letting My messages out in to the world.

But you got sloppy. I’d send you a vision of locusts swarming o’er the land, and you’d render it as an influx of lawyers. I don’t fault you for jumping to that interpretation, considering the society you inhabit, but the necessary poetry is lacking if you just up and say it that way. You need to uplift people with metaphor and epic imagery, not just shove their faces deeper into the spiritual muck. “The subway rats who feast on the discarded crumbs of evil greed” simply won’t do it.

Gradually, I had to tone down the metaphor with you and give it to you straight. But even that doesn’t seem to work anymore. When I sought metaphor, you went literal. When I wanted literal, you came up with the most bizarre, incongruous images. I do not need people fearing that the foreigner will come wielding the Spork of Doom; enough threatening objects already exist that you don’t need to introduce a harmless one into the mix.

But there’s still hope for you. I can see that; you sincerely believe that you are doing My will when you speak of corrupt judges and officials as gluttonous, onanistic gorillas. Though it rings true, not all truth need be present in every prophecy. I know the bankers are greedy; believe Me, I know better than anyone. I know how they pretend to serve me with their self-serving donations to worthy cause after worthy cause, when in fact all they seek is a burnished reputation among their peers. But not every message is tailored to those creeps. The other 99% also need to hear what I have to say.

Which only makes it more troubling that My messages of consolation and hope become so…well, lame when they come through you. When I paint for you a vast tapestry of reunited families, the fulfillment of lost dreams and justice for the wronged, I don’t need you couching it in terms of Quality Control at a syringe factory. The goal is comfort, not confusion.

Shape up, prophet. You haven’t sunk to the level of astrologers, but be careful.

Now, about that talking donkey of yours…