This Song At The Sea Would Sound Good If The Tribe Of Dan Would Shut Up

By Gad the Levite

We just witnessed a miraculous salvation – the LORD split the Sea of Reeds and left dry land through which we passed, and then drowned the Egyptian cavalry behind us. Of course we burst forth in inspired song – well, most of us. Some of us can’t carry a tune, and are ruining it for the rest of the people. I’m looking at you tribe of Dan. Shut your mouths.

It would be one thing if only a few of us had trouble with music. But we’re talking about tens of thousands of men from Dan, and even the hundreds of thousands from the other tribes can’t effectively drown them out. It’s just painful. Can’t Moses hear how awful it is? Why doesn’t he raise his powerful staff again and silence the cacophony? “The LORD shall wage war for you, and you shall be silent” – well, maybe that applies to some of us more than others.

I’ll be the first to admit we Levites might be quick to judge others for their musical ability, or lack thereof. Not everybody can be blessed with an attuned ear. But there’s quite a difference between being unable to harmonize or play an instrument and being utterly incapable of noticing that the notes you’re singing sound horrible – by themselves, let alone in combination with everyone else’s.

This is excruciating. I can’t feel any uplifting gratitude or focus on the epic, prophetic vision we’ve been granted in this moment, because those idiots can’t tell they’re way off from the rest of us, and it’s ruining the whole thing. This is the LORD who demonstrated he could distinguish Egyptian livestock from Israelite? LORD, strike their vocal cords with whatever it takes, I beg You. Am I the only one who hears how terrible this sounds? How can I sing of envisioning our triumphant entry into the Promised Land and our divine service when all I can concentrate on is not straining my neck muscles when I cringe at the way those imbeciles are butchering this?

We’re nearly halfway through. No one else seems to be reacting to this debacle – a commendable bit of restraint, as far as that goes, but it’s the vast majority of us who are suffering. I’d trade being on the wrong end of a couple of those plagues not to have to endure this. I could do lice. Frogs. Having to buy all my water so it doesn’t turn to blood. Palpable, petrifying darkness. I could handle that. Not this.

You know, I’m not entirely certain it’s the news of the splitting of the sea that’s making the Canaanites and Edomites tremble. I’m shaking.

Wait a second – we can weaponize this. Gonna have to talk to our leaders about using music to bring down the fortifications ahead of us…