To Demonstrate Physical Prowess, Biden Tries Kicking Nuclear Football

Karine Jean-Pierre denied the reports. “The president is doing pushups and squat thrusts as we speak.”

Washington, July 24 – The President of the United States sought to assuage raging discontent over his failing cognitive abilities today by showcasing a quintessentially American form of physical activity today, when he attempted to send the Presidential Emergency Satchel – the briefcase containing the codes and other materials necessary to authorize use of the country’s atomic weapons – flying with one swing of his leg. The attempt, however, failed when the chief executive stumbled. Nearby aides caught him before he could fall and injure himself.

The incident occurred on the White House lawn as President Biden disembarked from the Marine One helicopter after a flight from his Rehoboth Beach, Maryland home. Eyewitnesses said the US Marine carrying the “nuclear football,” as it is colloquially known, pulled the Black Bag out of the way before the president could make contact with it anyway.

“I heard him mutter something about showing people he’s still got it,” recalled one bystander, who declined to be identified. “Then he definitely said, ‘I bet I could kick that thing thirty yards, not like that windbag Trump.’ And he tried to kick the nuclear football.”

First Lady Jull Biden moved quickly to his side. “You kicked that football farther than I’ve ever seen,” she gushed, a little too loudly. “Such a strong president!”

White House spokeswoman Karine Jean-Pierre denied the reports. “The president would never be so impetuous,” she insisted. “Neither would he express such ridiculous insecurity. He knows he can run circles around Donald Trump. He’s been showing that for years. He’s doing pushups and squat thrusts as we speak.”

Senior Democratic Party figures rushed to dismiss the reports as cheap fakes, other than the senior Democratic Party figures who are angling to have Biden replaced as the party’s candidate in November, who disseminated the story widely to bolster their position “if the reports are true.”

When word of the incident reached Republican Party nominee Donald Trump, the GOP candidate derided Biden’s remarks and his “pathetic attempt at showing masculinity.”

“Sleepy Joe thinks he can sleepwalk to reelection,” Trump retorted. “He thinks his geriatric antics are invisible to the voters. But we’re going to make America so great again that I can kick a nuclear football on Fifth Avenue and no one will do anything. Fumblin’ Biden couldn’t kick a football, real or nuclear, if it were stuck on top of a pile of Hunter’s cocaine. He should retire right after I win in a landslide. Which I guarantee. Unless the Democrats steal another election.”

“Which, judging by their football skills, is becoming less and less likely.”

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