“As far as anyone can tell, the only person who has been affected by the mind-control system is the current reader of this article, but that does not mean others will not be affected soon enough.”
Washington, May 17 – Speculation concerning the nature of the information allegedly divulged to Russian officials in the Oval Office this week intensified today amid reports that the president may have compromised the Israeli secret agent tasked with taking control of your brain.
While Israeli security officials declined to address the specifics of the incident and issued a statement in praise of the ongoing cooperation between the two countries, at least one apparent leak regarding the reported sharing of secret information characterized the content of the sharing as referring to the identity of the Mossad operative in charge of manipulating your thoughts. If true, noted experts, the Israeli intelligence agency may face difficulties in continuing their mind-control operations with the same intensity as before in the short term.
It was not immediately clear what impact such a divulging of information would have, but Brookings Institute fellow Martin Indyk expects that the FSB and SVR, Russia’s intelligence and espionage agencies, to tailor their operations and analysis to adapt to this new information.
“This could be the Mossad talking, but I think knowing who the guy with the mind-control expertise is will be of immense help in preparing countermeasures and operations,” asserted Indyk. “As far as anyone can tell, the only person who has been affected by the mind-control system is the current reader of this article, but that does not mean others will not be affected soon enough.”
Indyk recommended you construct a foil hat with a lead lining as a protective measure. “Foil hats have been shown effective at both keeping both mind-control rays and dangerous normal humans away,” noted the former ambassador in a monotone, with a strangely blank expression on his face. “And that’s not because there’s a plot to make the people who know the truth about nefarious Jewish plots look like absolute kooks with unstable mental conditions. Not at all.”
Others cautioned against anticipating radical changes to policies or operations. “There’s not much that can be done about mind control,” argued David Icke, who studies the phenomenon. “Awareness is really the only thing that can help you, in the sense of always suspecting that aliens – or the Mossad, but I still say aliens – are controlling the mind of the person with whom you’re interacting, or about whom you read or saw news, or who is doing the reporting of said news. Heck, I could be pushing my outlandish lizard theories without even realizing I’ve been put up to it by the Mossad or whomever, just to provide entertainment. Even spies like to kick back with a long-running prank every now and then, right?”
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