Tsk, Tsk, That Assad, He- WHAT DO YOU MEAN NO MORE BRANGELINA??

By Melody Connors, USA Today reader

The news coming out of Syria is heartbreaking. All those suffering people, including children, denied basic necessities and care because of a bombing by Assad-backing-Russian jets. When is the world going to wake up and… wait, hold on a second… what’s this other news item… WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN BRAD AND ANGELINA ARE GETTING DIVORCED?

OK, breathe. Breathe. You can handle this. This is big, really important. Stay in control. What were you talking about? Right. Syria.

It’s a mess. There are no easy solutions. We don’t want to grant Islamic terrorists free rein, but the murderous Assad regime and its Iranian sponsors are no less dangerous, and are responsible for most of the half-million GODDAMMIT WHY COULDN’T THEY RECONCILE THEIR DIFFERENCES AND STAY TOGETHER?? THEY WERE THE IDEAL COUPLE! WHO’S GOING TO ADOPT ALL THOSE POOR AFRICAN CHILDREN AND GIVE THEM A WEALTHY, STABLE UPBRINGING NOW?

The children. Those poor children. Did you see that clip of that little Syrian boy taken from the ruins of a bombed-out building and into an ambulance? The poor little guy couldn’t even tell what was going on. He barely reacted to finding blood on his hand after touching his forehead. And the West just sits there and does nothing while THE COUPLE OF THE CENTURY IS DISINTEGRATING BEFORE OUR EYES. I CAN’T TAKE IT! IS THERE NO HAPPINESS IN THE WORLD? IT’S CRUSHING TO SEE SUCH DREAMY PEOPLE UNABLE TO LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER!

The thing is, The US could have acted long ago, but Obama decided it was better to let hundreds of thousands of Syrians die than to sabotage the Iran nuclear deal – or to give it actual teeth – than to stand up to the indiscriminate murder by Iran’s clients Assad and Hezbollah. It depresses me that our chief executive continually retrenches from a key strategic area in the face of increasing encroachment of OH MY GOD THE SADNESS THAT BRANGELINA IS NO MORE IS SOUL-SUCKING. THIS IS UNBEARABLE. GOD, TAKE ME NOW. HAVE YOU NO COMPASSION?

If Obama were a real humanitarian, and really believed in American values, he would stop this shameful appeasement and BY GOD FORBID BRAD AND ANGELINA FROM BREAKING UP. YOU CAN’T DO THAT, BRANGELINA – YOU’RE MORE THAN JUST A COUPLE OF ACTORS, YOU’RE A CULTURAL ICON! IF YOU DIVORCE THAT MEANS OUR ENTIRE GENERATION IS DOOMED! PLEASE… PLEASE…

Who will adopt all those Syrian orphans?