“I glory in the use of what became of my remains to support the autocratic, repressive, terrorism-supporting, violent regimes of Saudi Arabia, Bahrain, Iran, and the like.”
Riyadh, April 11 – A Tyrannosaurus Rex whose carcass was buried by seismic activity and compressed into crude oil expressed gratification today that the resulting compounds wound up helping secure the reign of oil-financed tyrants.
The 68-million-year-old beast, long since converted to petroleum, told reporters that it is only fitting for him, the tyrant of lizards, to continue to be involved in the violent enterprise of ruling one’s territory with an iron fist – something that today’s crop of petrodollar-funded Middle East potentates can do more literally than any tyrannosaur, she mused, since actual tyrannosauruses boasted feeble, mostly useless upper arms and claws.
“It’s always been a source of satisfaction that beyond the grave, I still stoke existential fear in the hearts of other creatures,” said the reptile, who towered over the landscape at nearly six meters tall and whose jaws were the most powerful of any known dinosaur. “Once upon a time that meant striding across the landscape as others scattered before my fearsome countenance as I chased down and tore apart anything with the misfortune not to escape, but I realize certain things change, and I therefore also glory in the use of what became of my remains to support the autocratic, repressive, terrorism-supporting, violent regimes of Saudi Arabia, Bahrain, Iran, and the like.”
The tyrannosaurus also voiced appreciation for the poetry of climatic change being associated with his fate and that of the Middle East’s petro-dictatorships. “My species was doomed by the cooling atmosphere, likely the result of a large meteor impact that kicked up dust and ash, blacking out much of the sun,” he noted. “And the long-term effects of human society’s dependence on crude oil derived from my remains include a rise in atmospheric and oceanic temperatures that spells disaster for the climate, especially in the desert regions so closely associated with those dictatorships.”
Paleontologists debate whether the tyrannosaurus ever lived in the part of the world where Mideast oil regimes now repress their people, and the nomenclature of “saurus” – which means “lizard” is inaccurate. Additionally, the modern English word “tyrant” has negative connotations, but in Greek it merely means “king” – but the extinct reptile finds that misinformation even more fitting. “Oil doesn’t much come from dinosaurs anyway – it’s mostly decayed plant matter and microorganisms,” he explained. “And that’s the poetry of it: the common lies or ignorance that has become so pervasive regarding my classification, life, and subsequent development are perfectly characteristic of the world’s treatment of countries whose horrific human rights records are only tolerated because they are rich in fossil fuels.”
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