UK Labour Says Wrist Slap For Antisemites Might Cause Bruising

“Some of them might be haemophiliac,” worried Stratford Councillor Ann Tissemitt.

Credit: Bert1965 via Wikimedia Commons

London, August 2 – Representatives of Britain’s Labour Party today attributed the organization’s reluctance to take even token measures against party figures for espousing anti-Jewish positions, arguing that a slap on the wrist might leave such persons with unsightly marks on their skin.

Repeated episodes in which prominent members of Labour echo classic antisemitic tropes, deny or minimize the Holocaust, liken Israel to the Nazis, or otherwise apply double standards in discussing Jews, have resulted in public pressure on the party leadership to take measures to discipline the offending politicians. The leadership, however, notably Opposition leader Jeremy Corbyn, remains hesitant to adopt such public but meaningless penalties that can later be quietly reversed, lest the move result in aesthetic damage.

“We are civilized,” explained Dianne Abbot, a senior Labour official. “It goes against our values to engage in corporal punishment, however symbolically. You might want to look in the so-called Jewish holy books for how to administer whippings,” she continued, referring to penal procedures that were last practiced under Jewish auspices centuries ago, while ignoring their rampant practice in the modern world, especially in Muslim countries.

“Some of them might be haemophiliac,” worried Stratford Councillor Ann Tissemitt. “We cannot risk endangering anyone in that fashion. It would be irresponsible.” A reporter’s research found no indication of any antisemitic Labour figures diagnosed with haemophilia.

A physician who provides consulting to Labour seconded the hesitation felt by many in the party’s ranks. “Some members of Labour might have a radical social agenda, but I always caution them to adopt prudent measures only, when it comes to medical treatment and diagnosis,” declared a man in a white lab coat who looked remarkably like former Mayor of London Ken Livingstone dressed up in a wig, fake mustache, and glasses. “Jews should appreciate that, because so many of them are doctors. And even if they aren’t, they are associated with famous doctors such as Dr. Goebbels and Dr. Mengele.”

“Also, did you know Hitler’s mother was treated by a Jewish doctor?” he continued. “The reports have it that the Führer arranged for the Jewish doctor of his beloved mother to leave Nazi Germany. Hitler obviously loved Jews, and worked with them whenever he could, as the story demonstrates. Everything else is probably just propaganda, which the Jews are very good at, but that’s already common knowledge, I’m sure. Ask me sometime about the Zionists and their alliance with him.”

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