UK Labour Sea Bed Survey Finds No Evidence Of Antisemitism

“We can now put this unfortunate episode behinds us,” intoned Corbyn.

London, June 2 – A study of the sea floor commissioned by the Labour Party to look for evidence of bias against Jews has concluded that the phenomenon does not exist, the party’s leader announced today.

MP Jeremy Corbyn told reporters that an exhaustive survey of the ocean floor has found nothing to indicate the presence of antisemitism, and that recent accusations that Labour has a problem with antisemitism in its ranks has now been conclusively disproved. He made the remarks at a press conference dedicated to the publication of the findings.

“It is my sincere hope that we can now put this unfortunate episode behinds us,” intoned Corbyn, members of whose party have been extensively documented vilifying Jews as a group, often failing to veil their hatred for Jews behind a veil of opposition to Israeli policies. “For weeks, this special commission looked at every available square metre of the earth beneath the North Sea, the Irish Sea, the English Channel, and all around Scotland, and found not a trace of antisemitism. It is time to lay this canard to rest, and return to the business of conducting an effective opposition to the Conservatives.”

Labour officials praised the results of the study. “I could have told you this would be the case,” said former Mayor of London Ken Livingstone.

The results of the undersea survey recalled a similar case during the last round of fighting between Israel and Hamas, when, despite Israeli accusations, a comprehensive geological study of Venezuela failed to turn up any evidence that Hamas had committed war crimes, such as using the residents of the Gaza Strip as human shields and placing military positions in, under, or abutting civilian targets.

Corbyn noted that the study did turn up a number of interesting finds unrelated to the question of antisemitism. “While the matter of antisemitism in the Labour Party has been laid to rest, the study of the sea bed, particularly in the North Sea, has invited further inquiry,” he explained. “In the area near Denmark and the German coast, the study discovered what appear to be dozens of of German Imperial Navy craft from the 1916 Battle of Jutland. Since it was established already in the 1920’s by the eminent historian Adolph Hitler that Germany’s defeat in the First World War was the result of treachery and back-stabbing by Jews, further research is needed to determine the exact avenues of treachery and backstabbing that led to the sinkings of those vessels.”