UKLabour Pushing End To Iran Sanctions To Import Larger Rug Under Which To Sweep Antisemitism

“The entire institution of sanctions on Iran is a Jewish conspiracy. The best way to combat the machinations of the secret Jewish cabal is to hide away any evidence they might be able to exploit.”

London, March 20 – Prominent members of Her Majesty’s Opposition are calling for the government to disregard a longstanding partial economic embargo against the Islamic Republic of Iran, as they perceive a need to obtain a Persian rug large enough to cover a growing antisemitism scandal in the Labour Party’s ranks.

Opposition leader Jeremy Corbyn called on the government to stop adhering to the sanctions regimen, both because of the urgent need for a rug under which to sweep the party’s rampant antisemitism and because he views Iran as a force for good in the Middle East and in global affairs.

“The government cannot in good conscience maintain these unjust sanctions when we have such a pressing call for a large Persian rug at party headquarters,” Corbyn pronounced at a press conference this morning (Tuesday). “With Brexit looming and foretelling untold trade consequences, Britain must free itself of the shackles of the Iran sanctions system. Both countries stand to gain. The people of Iran will finally be able to see their elites and their government’s regional proxies awash in cash, and Labour will be able to procure a quality, authentic rug from Persia with the durability and dimensions necessary to conceal the Jew-hate we’ve worked so hard to deny.”

Baroness Jenny Tonge echoed Corbyn’s remarks. “In fact the entire institution of sanctions on Iran is a Jewish conspiracy,” she asserted. “The best way to combat the machinations of the secret Jewish cabal is to hide away any evidence they might be able to exploit regarding prejudice in Labour, and to do so by supporting the noble resistance of Tehran and the Iranian people.”

“I personally prefer geometric patterns on my rugs, and I’m a fan of red” she added. “Perhaps a nice hammer and sickle configuration.”

Observers consider the demand a long shot. “[Prime Minister Theresa] May’s government is under immense public pressure right now to respond firmly to the Russian poisoning incident,” noted commentator and Labour insider Owen Jones. “So she’s not going to want to look weak on Iran, which is a Russian ally. Personally, I don’t think importing a new Persian rug is necessary, though I wouldn’t mind one. I think there are enough rugs in the homes of wealthy Labour members under which to sweep the antisemitism in our party. It would only be temporary anyway, since when Labour inevitably returns to power it won’t be necessary any longer to conceal the phenomenon in our ranks. We can deal with it out in the open, and are developing a pogrom- I mean a program, a program, to reach a final solution.”

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