UN: Jacob Used Excessive Force In Encounter With Angel

“Makes me wonder what they’d say if this were a rape case. Was our father dressed provocatively?”

Geneva, November 26 – The United Nations Human Rights Council ordered an investigation into the behavior of the patriarch Jacob this afternoon, saying that evidence raises serious questions over his use of what appears to be unnecessary force in an episode of combat with a man who turned out to be an angel.

In a unanimous vote, the Council decided to conduct an inquiry into the violent encounter, which occurred after Jacob crossed back over the Yabbok River to retrieve some remaining possessions from his family’s previous camp location. The Council noted that it was unnecessary to keep fighting all night, since, as it turned out, the angel only wanted to hurt Jacob’s thigh.

“Defending himself for hours and hours, as alleged – until dawn, according to documentary evidence – constitutes a violation of the principle of proportionality,” said a statement by the Council. “The fact that Jacob’s opponent had to beg to be released at dawn appears to indicate that Jacob used unnecessary force. The goal of self-defense would have been equally well served without the patently vindictive tactic of restraining the angel when he had all but surrendered.”

“Further,” continued the statement, “the act of extracting a flattering blessing from the angel as a condition for release constitutes an unnecessary humiliation of the opponent, and would constitute a crime against humanity if angels were human.” It said that since the opponent initially appeared to be a man, that requirement would likely be considered fulfilled under the circumstances, but a decision in that regard would have to be left to prosecutors.

Representatives of Jacob reacted with shock to the news. “This decision has to be a joke,” said Simeon, Jacob’s second-eldest. “There’s not a single mention of the circumstances surrounding the event, nor the fact that the angel was the aggressor. On top of that, the only injury sustained in this battle was our father’s, whose thigh bone the angel dislocated. But the Council saw fit not to take account of any of that. What does the Council expect us to do, just sit around and be attacked? Like he was asking for it? This reeks of bias. Makes me wonder what they’d say if this were a rape case. Was our father dressed provocatively?”

In a related development, Jacob’s estranged brother Esau was reportedly seen studying the Human Rights Council decision and making notes on how to exploit the institution’s biases to undermine his brother.