Universities To Prevent Violence Vs. Jews On Campus By Banning Jews

Jews may finish the current semester but will be asked not to return for the spring.

Cambridge, MA, October 25 – Institutions of higher learning in the US and Europe have struggled to contain the harassment and intimidation of Jews that escalated when Hamas launched a war against Israel several weeks ago, and will instead forestall such behavior against Jews under their aegis by keeping Jews out of those institutions, restoring the status quo from the nineteenth century and before.

Administrators at Harvard, Yale, Oxford, and other leading universities, as well as many mid- and lower-tier colleges and universities across North America, Britain, and Europe, announced today that they will bring back the ban on Jews attending their institutions, to help combat the scourge of antisemitic activity that has plagued those institutions for decades, and that flares up whenever Israel does anything or anyone does anything to Israel.

“We cherish our Jewish students and want them, need them, to feel safe,” stated Yale President Peter Salovey. “Despite our earnest attempts, we have been unable to guarantee the safety of our Jewish students on campus. Therefore, in consultation and concert with other institutions of higher learning here and abroad, we will adopt a policy that prevents Jews from suffering intimidation or attacks on campus: we will, for their own safety, turn down applications from Jews.”

Provost of Worcester College at Oxford, David Isaac, offered further elaboration in the new trend. “Oxford has yet to decide how this policy will affect Jewish students already on campus,” he acknowledged. “When a determination is reached, we will coordinate our next activities with other institutions, to help ensure that the phenomenon is addressed in a systematic way.”

At the University of California at Berkeley, Jews may finish the current semester but will be asked not to return for the spring. “It’s for their own safety,” explained Marney Randle, Interim Dean of Students. “We obviously cannot restrain our pro-Palestine students from complete freedom of expression. We never have.”

“I wish to stress that any violation of this policy,” she continued, “any Jew who tries to circumvent these new guidelines, will be left to his or her fate. We know who you are.” She noted that several student groups, foremost among them Students for Justice in Palestine, have already volunteered to hunt for and identify any Jews in the student body whose names, associations, behavior, or other characteristics have not already indicated their Jewishness, so that those violators of the important Jewish-safety policy face appropriate punishment.

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