Vatican Covers Nudes But Pope Still Kisses Rouhani’s Ass

Iran is the world’s largest state sponsor of terrorism.

Vatican City, January 27 – Officials in the Roman Catholic Church expressed shock and disgust today upon discovering that despite extensive preparations to make the artwork at the complex physically modest and welcoming to Iran’s president by covering many of the nude statues and paintings, the pope upended those efforts by kissing and licking the buttocks of his Muslim visitor.

A group of cardinals and Vatican staff privately voiced frustration over Pope Francis’s osculation of Hassan Rouhani’s backside yesterday, saying they felt they had toiled for nothing, and that the Holy Father had deemed worthless all the work they had done in preparation for the state visit. The staff and administration of the Holy See put in days worth of effort to conceal the numerous statues of unclothed or only partly clothed human figures that feature in the many classic works of art on display in the Vatican, and to do so in a simple, dignified fashion. Nevertheless, the Bishop of Rome for some reason saw fit to defy all those modesty measures by bending over and kissing the tuchus of Iran’s president by asking him to help fight terrorism in the region. Iran is the world’s largest state sponsor of terrorism.

“I felt violated,” confessed Father Michelangelo Buonarotti, a custodian of some of the statuary. “I oversaw, and physically participated in, the assembly and installation of plain white covers to conceal some of the nude or mostly nude figures so that our guest would not be made uncomfortable by the ostentatious display of the human form. And then the Holy Father crouched down and kissed Rouhani’s butt with his remarks. I felt at that moment that I needed to vomit, and I’m still reeling from the episode a day later.”

“It was obscene, there is no other word for what he said and did,” echoed Cardinal Hans Tuchuslekker, a Vatican administrative official. “It would be one thing to just diplomatically say nice things, but to lick Rouhani’s tush like that, as if the guy doesn’t represent and enable the murder of thousands, including Christians – that was beyond the pale. I’m having a crisis of faith now.”

Diplomacy commentators say the phenomenon of terrorist-ass-kissing is hardly new. “It was recently revealed that Switzerland made a deal with the PLO in the 1970’s to support the group diplomatically in exchange for no terrorist attacks on Swiss soil,” explained Yashvan Nashuk, an Iranian expatriate. “So the occurrence of such ulterior expressions of support should not surprise us. What’s striking here is the unbecoming contrast between the Vatican’s welcoming preparations and the pope’s behavior. The only thing more disgusting is the slurping sound you can hear whenever John Kerry talks to [Iran’s Foreign minister] Javad Zarif.”