“Venezuela is proud to make available to the people and government of Iran our vast stores of broken shop windows, hijacked food trucks, armed robberies, resentment of the political class, and other resources.”
Caracas, November 26 – Latin America’s leading socialist state vowed to support its allies in Tehran this week amid growing economic and political pressure on the Islamic Republic from the United States over the former’s pursuit of nuclear weapons, committing itself to providing to Iran everything it has in excess: misery, hunger, poverty, social unrest, and gross economic mismanagement.
President Nicolás Maduro of Venezuela announced Sunday that while his country’s hands are tied as a result of an ongoing economic crisis and shortages of many basic necessities, his government views standing up to American imperialism as a critical diplomatic, political, and moral imperative, and that the country will therefore supply anything of which it has more than it needs to Iran, which faces similar pressures from a United States foreign policy focused on preventing the Islamic Republic from seeing its atomic weapons program to completion. The resources Venezuela possesses in large amounts, noted Maduro, include food riots, looting, distrust of public officials, rampant violent crime, political repression, and the tendency to blame foreign elements for domestic troubles.
“American arrogance has left us with a surplus of many things,” he declaimed. “Among them: corruption, administrative incompetence, and the unrest that comes with the perfect storm of paranoia, ideological inflexibility, and frustration at our own impotence. While we can no longer prop up our expensive socialist economy with oil revenues that have, most likely through American machinations, refused to climb back to acceptable levels, we can offer our brothers and allies in Iran all the misery, hunger, and malfeasance that we have in abundance.”
“We must stand together with our allies against American imperialist ambitions, whether here or in the Middle East,” he continued. “Venezuela is therefore proud to make available to the people and government of Iran our vast stores of broken shop windows, hijacked food trucks, armed robberies, resentment of the political class, and other resources that we know our brethren in government in Tehran, Isfahan, and elsewhere have already shown they know how to deploy.”
Maduro declined to specify the timetable under which Venezuela will supply the resources, but administration officials spoke of a preliminary, emergency infusion of political unrest and stagnant crude oil prices to the Islamic Republic next week, after which larger supplies of Venezuelan hunger, economic malaise, popular protests, political violence, repression of dissent, investor panic, and currency collapse will make their way to Iran over the course of the next year.
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