Los Angeles, May 4 – Two of show business’s most venerable personalities announced Saturday that they had adopted the Hebraic religion, sending ripples through the industry as gossip columnists and analysts began speculating how the move would affect the pair, their employer, and movie production as a whole.
Waldorf and Statler, whose longtime role as commentators on the set of Muppets productions has become legendary, told reporters last night that aside from the the specific points of theology that attracted them to Judaism, they found that Jewish life and culture would help them develop professionally: all of those who had reached the apex of such comedy have been Jewish.
“We’re a couple of old guys sitting around mocking things. The only way it could be more Jewish is if we were actually Jewish,” remarked Waldorf.
“That, and we had to have the ends of our wieners cut off,” noted Statler.
“It’s not like we’re using ours for much of anything anymore,” retorted Waldorf.
The pair explained that the decision was born of years of reflection on their role in the Muppet Show, and how closely it mirrors the position of the Jew, historically. “We look in from the outside and offer critique of the entire enterprise,” said Waldorf. “And that’s been what Jews do since forever. They’re perpetual outsiders, and have honed the ability to couch their critique in humor over thousands of years. Statler and I really identify with that, and the realization pushed us on a journey that led us to convert.”
“Yeah, we’ve only been ridiculing people for about half as long,” agreed Statler.
Jewish practice is not expected to adversely affect Waldorf and Statler’s work schedule, which is no longer dependent on being physically present for the production of Muppets scenes. Sabbath and festival observance, which would normally restrict their availability on Friday afternoons, Saturdays, and other scattered occasions throughout the year, presents no obstacle to their providing snark, as the pair can issue their commentary remotely, after viewing prerecorded clips.
“It’s actually much more convenient than the way it was done way back when,” offered Waldorf.
“Yeah, at least now, with computers, when we’re done we can delete everything from the system memory and erase the shame,” said Statler.
Observers have suggested for some time that Waldorf and Statler look very much like two famous Jews already, former Prime Ministers of Israel Itzhak Shamir and Ehud Olmert, respectively, plus or minus some facial hair. “We’re used to hearing that,” said Statler, who expressed regret that his doppelganger faces jail time in an ongoing corruption case. “I wish I could have heckled his leadership during the Second Lebanon War” of 2006, he added.
“You’re lucky – my lookalike is dead,” replied Waldorf.
“No, that means he can’t watch the Muppets anymore – he’s the lucky one,” said Statler, and the pair dissolved in laughter.
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