Carter’s position as a former leader of the free world and member of the Slander Israel Club necessitated a level of detail that requires a special appointment.
Hades, January 7 – Stygian sources disclosed today that former US President Jimmy Carter’s passing took place later than its original schedule because Gehenna’s system for registering and processing newcomers experienced significant challenges amid a surge of Islamist terrorists requiring admission, which taxed the system beyond its recommended capacity.
Assistant demons in the Reception Department of Hell acknowledged that James Earl Carter, the thirty-ninth chief executive, lived longer than expected as a result of unforeseen software and logistical constraints that prevented Satan’s personnel from quickly and efficiently recording the arrival of all the damned souls of the wicked whose numbers swelled during Israel’s operations over the last several decades to eliminate as many terrorists as possible.
“We simply couldn’t fit any more people in the receiving area,” noted Beelzebub. “We did have a recent upgrade of our systems, but when I say ‘recent’ I mean four hundred years ago. The human population has surged since then by several billion, and many of those end up down here – that’s just a question of probabilities. Carter was at first slated to buy the peanut farm in the early 2000’s. But then we got this rapid influx of Second Intifada terrorists, and by the time those crowds subsided, there was a new rush of Hezbollah dead, and then, with grim reliability, Hamas instigated a bunch of wars that left more and more Islamists and their supporters dead. We had our work cut out for us, and we weren’t available to take Jimmy.”
He explained that Carter’s position as a former leader of the free world and a prominent member of the Slander Israel Club necessitated a level of detail in the registration and processing that requires a special appointment.
A planned expansion of capacity finally began when a critical mass of manpower accumulated in 2014, during Israel’s Operation Protective Edge, which killed hundreds of Hamas terrorists. The Hamas dead from that war were drafted into a massive construction project that saw Lucifer himself cut the ribbon on a new Arrivals Hall in the summer of 2023. Carter’s arrival in Hell was eventually rescheduled for late November 2023 – smack dab in the midst of one of the most intense periods of IDF action against Hamas in Gaza and some retaliatory airstrikes against Hezbollah in Lebanon. Even the new, augmented reception capacity could not handle the tens of thousands of Islamists who arrived in Hell over the ensuing months, delaying the former president’s arrival yet again.
Only with a comparative lull in the fighting and the eventual availability of the facility’s maximum capacity in November could Carter’s arrival in Hell occur, which took place last week on December 29.
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