We Cockroaches Are All In Favor Of This Iran Deal

By Flitter the Roach

Under the Fridge, July 6 – You humans are right to be worked up about Iran’s nuclear ambitions, but only if you insist on your anthropocentric view. We cockroaches have no problem with a nuclear Iran. Or North Korea. Or Pakistan. A nuclear holocaust is no threat to OUR genus.

Inspections or no inspections, Iran is going to cheat. The US president, for some reason, is so desperate for a deal that he’s blinded himself to reality. All for the sake of his legacy – a term that carries meaning only among humans, who, if this deal goes through, won’t be around much longer. But we roaches certainly will. So we’re perfectly willing to see this deal happen.

Not that we don’t appreciate the wonderland you humans have created for us. Without people, we wouldn’t have kitchen floors across which to scuttle; artificial light before which to scatter; appliances under and behind which to hide; and toothbrush bristles upon which to crawl. Yes, really. Every night, while you’re fast asleep, at least one of us has ensconced himself (or herself – gender pronouns don’t mean as much to us as they do to you) – comfortably atop your toothbrush, feasting on the leftover bits of food and crusted toothpaste you were kind enough to leave over. But I digress.

What I’m saying is it’s a good world. We have plenty to eat, freedom to multiply beyond belief, sewer lines in which to congregate in unimaginable numbers, and only the occasional shoe or exterminator to worry about. And we appreciate it. But we’re realists. We fully comprehend that there is a looming threat to that wonderland, in the form of a war that destroys civilization. We know full well that humanity, our current sugar daddy, can’t really be trusted to keep things going properly for very long. When – not if – Iran gets the bomb, the surrounding countries that don’t already have it will inevitably start their own nuclear weapons programs. Saudi Arabia for sure. Pakistan, India, and Israel already have it. Each country that develops atomic weapons will bring the world one step closer to a mishap or miscalculation that devolves into utter devastation for humankind and many other species.

We cockroaches, however, as disappointed as we might be when that happens, will soldier on. We’ll do just fine. We can survive just about anywhere, under almost any conditions. My distant cousin Eleanor took up residence in a NASA vehicle back in 1969, and produced a slew of descendants that now live comfortably on the moon. So while we’ll miss your so-called civilization, we’ll manage without it.

Even if there are no toothbrushes left.