We Don’t Need Your Favors, Israel. Now Give Us Everything, Free

By Saeb Erekat

Ramallah, March 8 – We Palestinians are a strong, independent people with no need to rely on the illegitimate, sullied hand of Israel to achieve anything. Now give us everything, Israel, or the resulting collapse of the Palestinian Authority will be all your fault.

The noble cause of Palestinian sovereignty, the removal of the cursed occupier, and the assertion of our inalienable rights – these pursuits give us the spirit and the fortitude to resist the Jews for eternity. Our cause is so manifestly just, the justice of it guarantees our victory. We need no assistance! Also, we call upon all Arab and Muslim countries, as well as the West and all other countries, to pressure Israel by whatever means possible so that we can achieve something.

Do not patronize us with your “generosity,” filthy Zionists. Just provide everything we need, as if we were productive members of your society. Or any society.

It would be a searing insult to the memory of the great Rais, Yasser Arafat, to have us accept even a gram of help from Israel in the form of money, infrastructure, health care, or security assistance. If you don’t continue providing those things unconditionally, we will have no choice but to declare the dissolution of the Palestinian Authority, which would also mean our necks as Hamas, or the Islamic State, or whoever, takes over. So don’t do us any favors, understand? We don’t need you, you colonists without whom our necks would be severed faster than you can say, “Ahmad’s mad madrassa murderers murdered Muhammad’s mules.”

We Palestinians are empowered to achieve anything, including an independent Palestine from the River to the Sea. Nothing can withstand the moral force of our cause. We will resume pursuing it uncompromisingly after we allocate the hundreds of millions of dollars you Israelis give us, because we can’t pay our cronies and there’s massive political and civil unrest brewing here, à la 2011. Only the close cooperation between Palestinian and Israeli security apparatuses can keep a lid on it. Don’t you dare withdraw your troops, Israel! We don’t need you! Occupation! You can’t leave us on our own like this! Get out of here! There will be BIG trouble if you change the status quo.

Leave us alone already, Zionists. We’ve had enough of your patronizing, infantilizing treatment. Go do something productive, such as giving us everything we need to survive, with no expectation of payment, and protecting us from Islamic extremists.