We Must Disregard Elections In Favor Of Opinion Poll Results

by Ed Miliband and Isaac Herzog

Both of our countries witnessed hard-fought national elections this year, elections that featured a striking similarity: in both cases, opinion polls leading up to the voting indicated the results were too close to call, with Labour holding perhaps a slight edge – only to discover on Election Day that the electorate had chosen decisively to elect our chief rivals. The discrepancy between the two sets of figures can mean only one thing: we must do away with voting and use only opinion poll results as our guide.

Our respective parties have already engaged in much of the post-mortem analysis, examining where our campaigns may have gone wrong, and why exactly the people voted against us. Such analysis has its place, but what we and our fellow left-wing politicians must focus on is working to reform the system to reflect what the polls so clearly demonstrated. Aside from some acquaintances across the parliamentary aisle, neither of us personally knows anyone who would not vote Labour. Small wonder, then, that the election outcomes came as a shock – and a suspicious one, at that. What thinking person could not see the manifest righteousness of our platform and policies when contrasted with the fear-mongering of our opponents? What rational citizen would knowingly choose a party with policies so flagrantly at odds with all that is good and right?

We unfortunately have been given our answer: too many such people exist, and can vote. The only proper response, then, is to reform the system so such travesties of democracy are no longer possible.

During the campaign our operative question was: how can the avatars of political virtue – which we clearly represent, and no caring, thinking human could possibly see it otherwise – communicate to hoi polloi that only our socialist-minded policies, and only our downplaying the centrality of national security, can make this country a Heaven on Earth? But in the aftermath of the public’s rejection of our platform, a rejection so resounding as to grant the conservative bloc carte blanche, the question now becomes: how do we communicate to the public that they are so stupid that they don’t know what’s good for them? That only the educated, morally superior, ethnically sensitive leaders of the left are equipped to handle fateful issues? Only by hammering home that message can we ever effect change. Also, it’s second nature at this point.

And that, fellow citizens with multiple university degrees – the only ones who truly know what’s right for everyone – is what we must now make our goal. We must shift away from trying to convince the downtrodden masses – for they are downtrodden because we say they are – to vote for us. Instead, we must reform the system so as to account only for the votes of those who think and talk as we do. The will of the people is a noble thing, provided those people agree with us. Otherwise forget it.

Those public opinion polls are the true indicator of the enlightened democratic will. Our natural constituency is outspoken, and therefore responds enthusiastically to pollsters – as opposed to those no-good conservatives, always maintaining their privacy. Therefore only our constituency’s opinion should count.

Also, “progressive.” We like that word.