We Prefer More Subtle Antisemitism At This Institution, Mr. Crabtree

By Professor Albert Bunchwick, Rector

Sit down, Mr. Crabtree. We must have a little talk.

It has come to the administration’s attention that during your lectures, you have taken to indulgence in some rather distasteful stereotypes about members of the Hebrew persuasion. Now, Mr. Crabtree, we appreciate your abilities as an instructor, but it is my duty to remind you that at this august institution, we adhere to rhetorical standards that insist on a much more discreet expression of Jew-hate.

This is not the first time we have felt compelled to stress this point with you, Mr. Crabtree. Our didactic standards assume a certain minimum level of intellectual competence on the part of our students, and it represents quite the insult to their intelligence to engage in such crude, dare I say, “in your face” displays of antisemitism. We are better than that.

We do not assume – please do not interrupt, Mr. Crabtree; you will have an opportunity to respond later – that our students require such babying. We do not assume that their cerebral functions are so impaired that you must spoon-feed them the messages you intend for them to absorb. Come now, Mr. Crabtree. Our intellectual tradition, both here and in the society at large, offers ample room for subtlety. Do exercise some.

I trust I do not need to provide more than a token example or two to illustrate the point. In this proud, venerable institution, Mr. Crabtree, we shy away from epithets such as “kike,” “Heeb,” and, it pains me to have to speak this plainly, “filthy Jew.” We can convey the noble tradition of blaming Jews for their suffering – and for ours, should it come to that – in ways that bear less resemblance to hitting our students over the head with it. Your lack of subtlety is… unseemly.

It is perfectly acceptable, as you have done, to introduce a unit on the Holocaust with an exploration of what the Jews must have done to deserve it, a question we would never presume to ask regarding the suffering of any other group. It is less acceptable, you will remember, to showcase glee at the fate of the six million; a grim acceptance will do, as painful as such restraint might prove for some.

I am glad we had this little discussion. It is my sincere wish that we never need to conduct any similar one again. Good day, Mr. Crabtree, and remember to keep your antisemitism dignified by subtlety.

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