We Won’t Throw Israel Under The Bus Till We Get A Bigger Bus

By Barack Obama

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: we have your back, Israel. If you ever want to see it again, do as I say. There’s been all sorts of talk of my administration throwing Israel under the the bus. Well, that’s just nonsense. At least until we get a bigger bus.

We’re right behind Israel all the way. That’s the best place to stand when Islamists and assorted other terrorists – we’ll call them “militants,” because who are we to judge, really? – start attacking. And the position offers the best leverage for when we do eventually get that bigger bus, and the pushing has to begin.

Don’t think for a minute we’re not hard at work driving toward a solution to the generations-old Arab-Israeli conflict. We’re all for negotiations; after all, getting Israel to voluntarily destroy itself, or at least abandon its very raison d’etre, is much easier than forcing them to do it. That’s why my man John Kerry is tirelessly shuttling back and forth. He’s on his what, eleventh visit since taking office? The Secretary of State is the one driving the bus; it’s much easier for him if Israel doesn’t start moving around when I chuck her under.

It would be both wrong and counterproductive to come down hard on Israel right now, despite what my fan club at The New York Times thinks. Counterproductive, because it would doom the next Democratic Presidential candidate; wrong, because our insurance policy on the bus doesn’t cover this. It was all part of the Affordable Health Care Act, but something must have gone wrong in the implementation. I left that part to the bureaucrats, so I don’t really know the details.

In any case, Israel can rest assured for the moment that I won’t do anything to compromise their interests. That includes talking tough on Iran, praising the merits of democracy, and ignoring the fact that the man with whom I want them to sign a treaty, Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas, is holding office illegally and has no constitutionally valid claim to represent his constituents. We’re all about democracy. And consistency.

I say consistency, because we deplore the evil that is occupation, but only if Israel does it. If Morocco does it, we’re good – that’s why we’re happy to support Morocco’s annexation of Western Sahara, and their policy of relocating their own citizens to settle there. No need to uproot them, folks! Western Sahara can’t govern itself anyway. Unlike the Palestinian Authority, which has been a model of honest, corruption-free government.

Now, don’t you worry about Iran. All I have to do is take their bait and abet their stalling, and it will be too late for Israel to do anything about it – let alone a lame duck, intervention-phobic American administration actively abdicating its position of global leadership.

So sit tight, Israel. We’ve slashed the Pentagon budget, but that just means we’ll have to settle for a Winnebago or something to chuck you under.