Weed Grower Hoping To Get Marijuana Included In Temple Incense

“Have you ever looked at the list of spices, man?” she asked a reporter. “I mean, really looked?”

Wilderness of Sinai, June 21 – A cultivator and purveyor of marijuana leaves aims to have her wares included in the special blend of fragrances to be burned as an offering twice daily in the Tabernacle, Israelite sources report.

Miriam Yohanani, 20, has been seeking an audience with Moses and his brother Aaron, the High Priest, to make her case for using marijuana in the sacred incense. Yohanani, a mother of two, believes the leaves of the cannabis plant are a perfect fit for the mix of eleven substances offered on the inner, golden altar, and will enhance the divine service in ways other fragrant substances cannot. The leaders have yet to agree to meet with her.

“Have you ever looked at the list of spices, man?” she asked a reporter. “I mean, really looked? It’s mesmerizing. But it would be even better, much deeper, if, like, it included ganja, man.”

Yohanani argues that the chemical properties of marijuana suit the priestly service to a T. “The Kohanim are, like unifiers of the people,” she explained. “One of their functions is to bless the people with peace, because their whole role is to bring out the harmony that’s among us. So when the incense is burned, and the special chemicals in the weed are released, it’s perfect, because no one ever gets into serious conflict when they’re baked. It makes everything smooth. Even a rolled smoke is called a ‘joint’ – it’a all about togetherness, man.”

Experts do not expect Yohanani’s campaign to succeed. “There are supposed to be exactly eleven substances in the incense, each one representing a different facet of humanity,” said Elazar Ben-Aharon, who is studying the Temple service. “It’s a precise formulation, even including galbanum, which by itself is foul-smelling, but has to be included because we’re not ourselves, not human, and not a whole people, unless we honor and include the imperfect within and among us. You can’t just switch something out because you like getting high on Aunt Mary.”

The psychoactive properties of marijuana might also violate the terms of divine service, warned analyst Rogem Avni. “The Kohanim are specifically barred from imbibing intoxicating beverages prior to performing the service,” he noted. “THC, the active chemical in marijuana, might very well fall afoul of this provision, which is meant to enhance the focus of the Kohen on what he’s doing and why. We already lost Nadav and Avihu, and can’t risk the deaths of others no matter how primo the weed is.”

Yohanani dismisses those concerns, saying cannabis enhances one’s focus. “They’ll be extra-focused on what they’re doing,” she argued. “Also, it will give them a bigger appetite to be able to finish the meat of all the offerings from that day.”