What Does A Guy Have To Do To Get A UNHRC Resolution Around Here?

By Basher Assad, President of Syria

I’ve been doing this repression thing for years and years. At first it was the not-so-subtle intimidation backed by the precedent of ruthless retaliation, but that eventually gave way to open warfare against my own people. Politicians and public figures do an awful lot of talking, but my goals are simple – I want equal treatment. I want a drop of the attention the United Nations Human Rights Council showers on Israel. What does a guy have to do to get a UNHRC resolution around here?

It’s not as if I’m not trying. Barrel bombs, prisoner torture, executions, targeting civilians, war rape, chemical weapons – those are just part of the methods I’ve had my forces and allies employ in the last five years. But not a peep from the Council. Meanwhile, they go ape over a tiny fraction of the civilian casualties my forces have amassed when Israel so much as sneezes in the direction of Gaza, poof! Instant commission. It’s patently unfair. I’m trying so goddamn hard here.

It didn’t use to be like this. Once upon a time nobody gave a damn about ANYBODY. We brutal autocrats could do pretty much what we wanted with subjects who displeased us, and you’d hardly see bureaucrats in Geneva lining up to investigate and recommend a war crimes trial. This was certainly the case outside Europe. But then someone got the idea that such a process would be perfect for isolating Israel and undermining her legitimacy, and a monster was created. All of a sudden there was this expectation that war crimes would be prosecuted. It happened in the former Yugoslavia, and to a lesser extent in Rwanda and other parts of Africa. Even my buddy Omar Bashir of Sudan might get in hot water over this.

Well, I want a piece of that action. Imagine my dismay upon discovering that the Human Rights Council isn’t really interested in the crimes of regimes that aren’t Jewish. Talk about a letdown. Here I am, gassing my own people so I can be recognized for my accomplishments, and I get nothing. Bupkis. It’s enough to drive a guy into a murderous rage. How many people do I have to kill before I get what I’m after? It’s already approaching half a million. Over the course of five years I’ve caused the premature deaths of hundreds of thousands more people than the entire Arab-Israeli conflict over the last hundred. But the Council decides to denounce Israel thirty times more often than the rest of the world combined.

I tell you, this game is rigged.