What’s In This Manna? I’m Vegan

By Tzemah ben Zera, Tribe of Dan

The Lord’s provision of food for our multitudes here in the wilderness on a daily basis is nothing short of miraculous. I will be the first to acknowledge His manifest care and attention to our needs in this fraught time. I need to know, however, whether this amazing foodstuff contains any animal product ingredient, because, as you know, I’m vegan. Can you tell me, Moses?

I’m aware that this manna, as we’re calling it, can be used in a variety of ways: eaten straight, ground up and used as flour, or mixed into other things. That’s great. I just have qualms about putting something in my body the production of which might have involved the exploitation of animals. I just don’t do that. It’s a health, morality, and sustainability thing. Not sure you’d understand.

Manna is supposed to taste like whatever you want, I’m told – that’s wonderful, if you’re not as conscientious about food as I try to be. Before I partake of anything I need to know how it was made, because I’m vegan. Sorry, I hadn’t mentioned that in two paragraphs. It’s simply crucial that I know where this food comes from. Finding it on the ground every morning between layers of dew is fantastic, a moving indication of divine providence and provision. But I’m vegan; that might not be good enough for me.

My neighbors tell me manna tastes like wafers dipped in honey. Well, wafers are well and good, assuming no animal fats are used in their preparation. But where does the honey come from? If it’s date honey, fine, provided the fruits were inspected before processing to ensure there are no insects inside. On the other hand, if it’s bee-honey, well, you know that’s out of the question, Moses. How can I eat an animal product? Do you expect the food that God provides to be good enough for me? Remember, I’m vegan.

The flocks of quail that visit our camp each day already make me suspect that my ethical standards when it comes to food are not exactly congruent with yours, Moses, with all due respect. I’m uncomfortable enough as it is with all the animals that suffered and died as a result of the plagues back in Egypt, not to mention the innocent Egyptian horses who perished in the Sea of Reeds. And your visions of a land flowing with milk and honey – maybe if it’s soy milk – does not strike me as ethically upstanding. Philosophically and morally, I feel I might be more at home with a people that espouses my right to deny or supersede so-called divine principles of morality because it makes me feel better, and allows me to feel superior if I’m so inclined. I’m vegan, after all. You might have forgotten there for a moment.

Look, that looks like the people of Amalek in the distance, approaching from our rear. Maybe they have something to say in that regard. Excuse me – I have to go tell them I’m vegan.