What’s The Best Knife For Stab- I Mean To Have Planted On Me?

By Suha Jabbari, 17

Dad, I want to go perform a heroic martyrdom operation and kill some pig Jews. What’s the best implement to use so I make sure to do the most dam- I mean, so that when the Israelis plant it on me it doesn’t look like I was a pathetic victim?

I want to do my part for Palestine. I want to shove a knife, or anything with a blade, into the neck, head, or torso of some Zionist swine so they leave our land. What should I select as my weapon so that it effectively severs the – I mean, so that when I’m executed in cold blood by Occupation forces it doesn’t look like I just lay down and took it?

I don’t want to end up like those girls at the Mahane Yehuda market today. Scissors? Really? You can’t hope to inflict painful, fatal trauma on a human body with something so measly. I mean, aside from the fact that they stabbed a PALESTINIAN man. Girls, as far as I’m concerned, you got the framing you deserved. No self-respecting stabber, I mean innocent victim, would use such inferior equipment to do the job right. I’m not going to make that mistake. So when my knife ends up planted next to me after I stab some filthy Jews, you’ll know I was executed in cold blood with my head held high, not like some poor excuse for a shaheeda. So can I have some help finding the sharpest, most dangerous blade?

I know how much Mom likes her knives, but will she mind if it ends up lying next to my lifeless body after I’ve been shot, and she never gets it back? You think she’ll be OK knowing I did my best to kil- I mean knowing some IDF commandos must have sneaked into the house and stolen it in order to plant on me? I’m a little afraid to ask her after what happened to my brother Ahmad. She hasn’t forgiven him for using the family car to try running over Israelis at a bus stop. Maybe because he missed, but should I even broach the subject with her?

So yeah, I’d like some advice on choosing exactly the right weapon to have planted next to me. I’ll even post my martyrdom intentions on Facebook the morning I go out to to be framed, so you can be justifiably proud. Or angry. It’s your choice. Now will you help me make mine?