Whew. We Almost Had Actual Elections There For A Moment

By Mahmoud Abbas, President, Palestinian Authority

It’s been more than ten years since the last time local elections were held in the Palestinian Authority, and we just got dangerously close to having them happen again. That won’t do. Nothing that challenges my power and the positions of my cronies. Dodged a bullet there. So to speak.

For one thing, Hamas would definitely gain if we went through with my announcement of elections, and we can’t have that. They’re all the wrong people – they’re not even in the PLO – and besides, their scenario for destroying Israel and replacing it with an Islamic Palestinian state is far less realistic than ours. To have such people running Palestinian affairs and removing control of the graft, cronyism, nepotism, and sundry other manifestations of corruption from Fatah and redirecting the proceeds toward their own pockets would be disastrous. It would mean my family and supporters would have to live off only the interest of the funds we’ve embezzled so far, and no more kickbacks or bribes. I shudder at the thought.

For another, Fatah isn’t remotely unified, so our showing would be an embarrassment. That bastard Dahlan is breathing down my neck, and his supporters might make a show of strength in local elections – I should have had him killed years ago, but none of the other Arab leaders would stand for such a thing. Ingrates. Don’t they realize I’m on their side, trying to play up Palestinian suffering as much as possible so they can then use the issue to distract from their own repressive policies? Look what I’ve been reduced to – getting perilously close to letting the people have their say in public affairs. That can’t be what our allies in the region want. They’ve never wanted it before.

It’s a good thing this isn’t a presidential election, or there’d be serious trouble. I don’t have a serious heir apparent in my cronies’ ranks. I made sure of that long ago – no threats to my power while I still hold it. But that means all real contenders come from outside my inner circle of loyalists, threatening my loyalists’ positions. It’s a real bind. So it’s for the best – MY best, that is – that we’re not even talking about a national election at this point, because there’s no way I could hold off both Mohammed Dahlan AND Marwan Barghouti.

Now we just have to hold out until elections become inevitable. They’re just one of a series of things I plan to avoid by dying first.

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