Whole Basket Of Leftover Bagels From Community Event Wont Fit In Dad’s Pockets

“You don’t have a plastic bag on you, do you?”

Jerusalem, December 19 – Awkwardness ensued this morning when a local father of four struggled, ultimately without success, to stow on his person the entire contents of a basket of baked goods that guests had not finished during the festive meal marking a life-cycle event in the neighborhood, family sources reported today.

Yaakov Shoshani, 39, spent nearly ten minutes trying to stuff his pockets with leftover bagels from the David family celebration of baby Yishai’s circumcision today, according to other Shoshani attendees, only managing to jam eleven bagels into his various pockets, despite repeated attempts at rearrangement. A disappointed Shoshani cast a mournful look at the five remaining bagels still unpilfered before sighing, turning away, and turning back again to stare at them, as if by doing so he he might conjure more space in which to carry them back home.

“Dad, please, stop,” begged fourteen-year-old Maya, burying her face in her hands and wishing she could disappear. “You don’t need to do this. You do this every time. Every. Single. Time.”

“These are perfectly good bagels,” insisted her father. “Besides, anything we can take with us is that much less for the Davids not to have to shlep home. It’s a kindness to them, and good for us, because we all like bagels and this is basically free. You don’t have a plastic bag on you, do you?”

Yaakov’s wife Esti had orchestrated a tactical egress to the bathroom from this portion of the event, knowing that any attempt to dissuade her husband from the impending scavenging effort would both fail and generate acrimony between them. The move left their children Maya, 14, Shir, 12, Dvir, 9, and Yosef, 7, to bear the full embarrassment of their father’s squirreling habit at catered events.

“It would be bad enough for him to fit everything,” admitted Shir. “But it’s ten times worse when he has to struggle like this, and then fail, with all those pockets bulging. I’m ashamed to be his kid. I love my father, but this is the most unbearable thing.” Her younger brothers crawled under the table.

Shoshani himself conceded that Israeli bagels fall far short of the New York standard to which he became accustomed on several trips there, but that this was better than having to pay for the pale imitations that at least toast up to a reasonable approximation of “real” bagels.

“Anybody feel like carrying a bottle of Sprite? Its unopened,” he asked his mortified family.

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