Why Didn’t The Hebrews Just Fire Pharaoh?

By Donald Trump

Have you all read the book of Exodus? Great Book. Terrific book. Always holds my interest. But you know, there’s one thing about the whole saga of the Exodus I don’t understand: why didn’t the Hebrews just fire Pharaoh?

That’s what I’d do, in that situation. I’d just terminate the guy’s job, right then and there. Boom. See? I’m a problem-solver. Amazing, really. That’s why people support me. Because I’m a doer, not a talker. I get the job done. I go in there, with or without a miraculous staff, and let my people go. Because when it comes to negotiations, everyone knows I’m the guy.

I wouldn’t have waited for ten plagues. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate a good plague. Amazing things, those plagues. But I also could have done better. Blood? I’d make it boiling blood. Frogs? Poison dart frogs. Lice? I once had the biggest lice you’ve ever seen. The Egyptians wouldn’t want to mess with me. And I’d make them pay for it all.

It takes a certain kind of mental toughness. I’d go in there, and state in no uncertain terms that my people are going, and that’s that. I’ve always had that ability to make people see things my way. Pharaoh would back down, because they always do. Maybe it’s because I’m so intimidating – I don’t know, just an idea. But you can’t have hundreds of thousands of people enslaved like that and not face the consequences. I’d put a stop to that before you could say boo.

But why stop at ten plagues, you know? I’m a man of ideas, too. Maybe some more buildup before the death of the Egyptian firstborn. In addition to wild beasts, I’d have the place overrun with undocumented immigrants, taking the jobs of ordinary Egyptians. I’d send my people into the royal archives to dig up dirt on the legitimacy of Pharaoh, and find documentation he was really born in Kenya. Did Kenya exist then? I don’t know. I’d find out! And then Pharaoh would be in real trouble.

If I were running things it would be the most amazing, the most terrific Exodus. I wouldn’t wait for the Egyptians to chase after the Israelites – I’d bomb them back to the stone age before they got near them. Teach them a lesson. The problem is we’ve gotten soft. We think it’s about redemption, when really it’s about taking back what was legitimately ours. Make Exodus great again!