Wow! May I Ask What Ethnic Cleanser You Use?

By Bashar Assad, President, Syrian Arab Republic

Damascus, August 13 – I must admit I’m impressed by the thoroughness of your work. It’s pristine! You have to tell me – what ethnic cleanser do you use?

I’ve seen the campaigns that tout one product or the other as the most effective ethnic cleanser, but I always take such publicity with a grain of salt, because those “demonstrations” are always conducted under very controlled conditions, when the surrounding areas have already been sanitized. That simply does not match the real-world situation that faces anyone with the task of ethnic cleansing a surface involves. But you managed to get every last stretch of the area immaculate. What’s your secret?

Not that I haven’t seen perfect ethnic cleansing before. The Jordanians had quite an imposing task before them in 1948, but they managed to wipe away every last Jewish germ from the areas they took. So effective was their cleansing work that not a single Jew could penetrate the sanitary boundary they set up afterwards – a feat that wouldn’t have been possible had they left behind any undesirable organisms when they performed the initial cleansing.

Even the vaunted Nazis, with their reputation for efficiency, could only manage to cleanse 96% of Lithuania’s pre-war numbers, and that took years. Granted, there were many fewer undesirable organisms in the territories Jordan conquered in 1948, but one has to acknowledge effective cleansing when one sees it.

Which is why I’m so impressed with your ethnic cleanser. I’ve tried all sorts of chemicals, as you can imagine, but with only mixed results. The scum keep recurring, sometimes growing back even stronger. I think I have to find a better ethnic cleanser to use on these surfaces. Of  course I can just burn down the whole thing, as I sometimes do, but that’s not such a wonderful solution either.

I don’t want to end up with more trouble later on, only settling for a partial cleansing. Look at what Israel did: they did a half-assed job in 1948, almost as if they weren’t serious about ethnic cleansing. Heck, surrounding Arab regimes did more to cleanse the place of the organisms Israel should have been trying to get rid of than Israel did. that’s not the kind of cleansing job I want. So do tell – I know you Islamic State folks are officially our opponents, but you’ve done such a bang-up job at this ethnic cleansing thing that I must know what ethnic cleanser you use, and whether I might get my hands on some.

Please support our work through Patreon.