You Have To Let Me Into Your House And May Not Kick Me Out When I Spout Offensive Lies About You

by Omar Shakir, Human Rights Watch

New York, November 19 – Hello, thank you, how do you do? Yes, I do, thank you very much. My, what a lovely home. Well, except for all the bad  decorating, maintenance, management, parenting, relationship, and other decisions you’ve made. I came to point those out. But now that I’m already here, you have to let me stay or you’re a racist who’s trying to hide all the abuse that I know I’ll find if I stick around long enough and twist everything to fit my preconceived bias. I’m a human rights coordinator and I know better than you.

There! Your fence with the neighbors is too high and too secure. How do you think they feel, blocked from gaining access to that beautiful garden? It’s a violation of their rights to fence them out. Their dog has the same right as anyone else to come in and dig up your tulip bulbs, and any measures you take to prevent it are a violation of international law, not just the neighbors’ human rights. Besides, they claim to have owned the property first, and you’re in no position to demand they produce any proof of that, because you’re clearly motivated by racism.

By the way, if you hadn’t let me in, knowing my purpose in visiting, I’d still accuse you of all the same things. Just so we’re clear on that point.

No, I won’t have some coffee. In fact I’m going to tell all the families in town not to drink your coffee either, because of the way you treat those poor neighbors. I’m going to tell them to ostracize you and refuse to come to your barbecues, refuse to attend any block parties, refuse to invite you to their events – in short, to boycott you and not have anything to do with you. How dare you tell me to leave?! What else are you hiding, you monster?!

Only real tyrants behave the way you are acting. The whole world now knows the immoral policies by which you govern this household, and all responsible entities must take every possible step to pressure you into mending your ways to my satisfaction. No, I won’t tell you what’s good enough; just assume nothing short of surrendering your family’s sovereignty and safety will suffice.

Oh, after all my warnings and concern for everyone’s rights, you’re going to kick me out? That’s it, I’m calling the police.

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