New York, April 1 – A spokesman for the International Zionist Conspiracy expressed regret to day over its engineering of the deadly landslide in Oso, Washington, that left 18 confirmed dead and 22 missing. He called the disaster a failure of oversight, explaining that miscalculations by the Conspiracy’s tectonic control staff had made the mudslide occur, and that supervisors had failed to notice that the location had been selected in error.
The side of Whitestone Mountain collapsed and buried dozens of people, structures, and roads last week. IZC director pf public relations Bridge Sellers told reporters that the target site for the landslide was supposed to be a remote area of China, where such natural and man-made disasters are commonplace. But a software bug rendered the longitude figure incorrectly, accidentally condemning dozens of actual Washingtonians to death instead of some nameless group of Asians no one really cares about.
“We apologize to the families of those who perished in this disaster,” said Sellers. “A systems failure of this magnitude is new to us, but we are committed to ensuring that it cannot recur.” He said the shift supervisor who had missed an underling’s mistake would be reassigned to the Middle East oil well fire division, and that the entire tectonic staff would undergo a thorough retraining regimen to make them more adept at avoiding such errors.
Normally, the floods, earthquakes, tsunamis, epidemics, and other events of large-scale destruction and suffering are tightly controlled, and typically affect portions of the globe with populations that the Conspiracy views largely as expendable. Thus the 2005 earthquake and tsunami that hit Burma, Indonesia, and other poverty-stricken areas of Southeast Asia, claiming hundreds of thousands of lives, or the ongoing AIDS crisis in sub-Saharan Africa. Such events occur as part of the IZC’s efforts to manipulate worldwide finance, government, and resources, which would be several orders of magnitude more difficult if the same scale of destruction occurred in the developed world.
“The International Zionist Conspiracy is typically seen as all-powerful, but that’s not actually the case,” explained Ray Cyszt, who teaches about conspiracy theories at the David Irving Institute. “They can’t undo things that have already been done, and they seem to be really bad at disguising their activities.”
According to Sellers, the next negative episode scheduled to hit Washington State was supposed to be a Justin Bieber concert, but in the aftermath of the landslide, that has been put on hold.
“The people of Washington have suffered enough already,” he explained.
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